Times flying by....wheres my baby!?

So the other day I just realized that time is really flying by for me..I mean before I even know it I'll be 20 (sighh..there goes my Teenage!) and then one year from then and I'll be 21 (I know I know..you all know your Maths, but its for the effect), the legal age to get married or even adopt. The mention of this adopt thing has a very interesting reason to it. I mean don't you all just love babies! We all do! I toh for one have wanted a baby ever since I was a baby myself I think. They are the cutest things that ever crawled the Earth you know! But the problem is, I'm running out of time. I mean I've had zero relationships so far (not even so much as a fling), and the way things are going I'm apprehensive about being on my way to becoming that old Pantaloon who stays all by himself in a suburb and the neighbourhood kids come and ring his doorbell and then run away and he comes out and yells randomly at trees and dogs and birds...sigh! (Talk about having a bright future!).

And above all, how will I ever have a kid like this (I mean I know the HOW..umm..but with whom and when?), you know someone to call Junior (though I never would call him junior..its the worst name one could address their kid by)..So then I decided that in case I never find someone, I'll adopt. I only need to wait like an year and a half now to be of legal age to adopt.

But then how could the kid stay without a mother? A kid definitely needs a mother! So my second option was tricking someone to marry me and then having a kid. On this my friend K had a rather repulsive thing to say, "You mean you'll trick her, knock her off!!, and then desert her running away with the child". Of course not! Now that I have married her, I'd be loyal and stay with her and live the perfect life and all. The only difference is that my ultimate motive behind marrying her would have been the kid. Because if I start looking for someone from the simple perspective of marrying her, there are a zillion flaws which I manage to point out in every single girl I've ever seen. Once I change my perspective (you know from "I want a wife" to "Now I just want a mother for my child") the only thing that I'll have to look for is a perfect gene pool. She doesn't have to be perfect anymore (unlike when I think from the "I want a wife" perspective), she just has to be a gene pool which includes great looks, high moral tone, smart, good to talk to, talented (at least as much as I am), intelligent (again..beat me at least!), sound medical history, etc. etc., which is Almost Perfect, but hey! What the hell, at least I've come down from perfect to the almost.

Theres one more reason why the sooner I have a kid, the better it is! You see, I want to give my kid the maximum time, the maximum luxury, the maximum happiness and above all, the best upbringing, you know with perfect morals and all (those who know me well would know). Now for that I need to be able to give them my best till the time they are old enough to look after themselves. So if I do not have one by the time I'm 30, I'll be 50 when they're just 20. I would be old, but they would still be not fit to cater to themselves (ask me, I'm almost 20, I know! 20 is definitely not the age when one feels ready to take care of himself). How is that ever gonna work out?! (Panic!) So that leaves me with only 10 years and 6 months to find the girl, make a baby and nurture him/her nicely or simple adopt (hah! now you tell me which one seems easier!) So may be I should have a plan ready. If I do not find anyone by the time I am, lets say, 27, then I go in for adoption and then marry someone later on (of course someone who I'm sure won't be an evil step mom).

And while we're at it, if I have a child after marriage, then toh I can't really help it, son or daughter, so would be happy with any. But if I adopt, has to be a daughter. Dont know why? I guess its always like this: Women want sons and Men want daughters.

Phew! There we go! That seems planned!..I wonder if its because of these things that people say I think obsessively..We'll see about that when I'm nicely with my kid and the others are too late..hoo haa haa haa....newase....baby, here i come!

Cheese up!

I was just reminded of three of the cheesiest pick-up lines I've ever heard. Before I say any further, I find it pertinent to tell all of you that I came across them on Television, so don't blame me for the content.

1) A guy saying to a girl:

"Madam, I am your only Adam!"

I mean what?! Its old, its tacky and its sure to make the girl either run away or slap him right there on the face (and if really unlucky, then maybe a kick in the...)

2) This is by far the most hilarious I've heard. This was apparently used by a rather aunty-ish lady on John Abr. (so he says, on Koffee with Karan). The aunty (I like calling her that) comes up to him, gives an ineffectual seductive smile and says with a wink:

"I wanna go for a ride, and I don't mean your bike!"

Woaaah! Where did it even come from? Its one thing being innovative, but its another being, well, plain and simple sleazy. I can just imagine. The poor clueless John sipping his drink away to glory in a bar (where by the way, I think the entire incident took place) and comes this aunty to the hapless unsuspecting fellow and drops this bomb.

Now the interesting question is how do you think he would have reacted. My guesses are:

"umm..no thanks..I'm out of fuel"

or "umm..may be some other day..it's a bit...rusty abhi"

or a plain and simple "No thanks, I prefer riding alone"

[;) They always said I was good with puns!]

3) There's a third one also, but its beyond the scope of this blog..so if anyone wants to know it..too bad! just switch on the TV and sit waiting for it to Cheese up!

One day in the past....

June 24, 2008; 2:00 PM: Today was almost like a day in the past. Why you ask? Well, because after ages I had some sort of interaction with all those people, who at one point of time were my routine companions.

I spent the morning chatting with a friend who is still in touch with me, but that gave the day a start so it counts. It felt like the old times, when we used to chat about the various comedy shoes that come on TV and laugh over them. We were laughing just like the old times, with only one difference, we could not see or hear each other laughing. Then I scrapped some of the really long lost friends, my immediate seniors from school whom I was closer to than most people from my own batch. It was more of a monologue (scrap you see!) because apparently it seems that in these three years they have forgotten me as much as I might seem to have forgotten them. I can still remember that it was this lot who taught me how to have fun, how to enjoy each day as it comes. The hours at a stretch in the Reading Room (where people did everything except for read). But alas, it all seems to have buried down the sands of time. Things have changed so much, no contact for almost 3 years. But I realized, maybe not them, at least I can make an initiative. I managed to have a scrap chat with one of my first senior friends, with whom I had had some great times. Further into the day, I added probably one of my oldest school friends on gtalk (yep, he wasn’t there on the list till now because in school we never used these IMs). We were like the academic buds, discussing everything before the exams and giving each other solace for the exorbitantly large syllabi. We chatted for some time and then decided to meet up (not that I hadn’t met him in the last two years, but still, it felt like a new start). All in all, its still just the afternoon, and it already feels like a “day in the past”, that past which made me what I am today, that past which is filled with memories enough to make me smile for a lifetime (oh k! that was sheer exaggeration but you get the idea!)

As the day progressed, I sat thinking about what college life had done to me. It had made me drift away from those people with whom I used to spend hours at a stretch at a point of time. They are the people with whom I have genuinely had the best time of my life (so far). They are the people who have seen me grow to become what I am today. There was a point of time when you somehow just expect that you’d forever stick together. They say that true friendship stands the test of time, but honestly does it? So I raised a question before myself-is it the saying that’s wrong or is my friendship with these people not true?

And the answer I found within myself- a little of both. The saying is wrong because no relationship remains unaltered unless you make an effort. I am not saying that you lose friends. Not at all. But things change. You might be the best of friends in school but if you fail to make an effort to talk or stay in touch for three long years, things change. If you’re lucky then probably you’re still friends, but it’s not the same. Probably it will get the same again if you stay in touch from now on: but then again, it needs an effort. So it all comes down to this I guess- true friendship stands the test of time provided you make an effort for it to stand. Else, it will never stay the same, it will inevitably change. Change of course is a part of life, for better or for worse.

Regarding the second part- was my friendship with those people true? Of course it was, depends on how you define ‘true’. Does it mean ‘unswerving’, then nope, never. But if it means that even after two-three years of not really being in touch, your face still lights up with elation at the thought of talking to them; you feel the same way you used to when you were with them, amongst them; you once again feel what it means to be really happy, without any worries or superficialities, not the adulterated happiness which one often experiences nowadays but genuine happiness….then our friendship sure is true. Then why do I say that it wasn’t true to some extent? Because both the sides, me and them, got preoccupied and lost. Both became so deeply engrossed in their new lifestyle that somewhere down the line, we drifted away. I am not modest enough to inculpate it all on myself; I say both were at fault, or rather, like I always say to console myself- “Some things are inevitable”.

I realized one more thing. These people whom I am talking about, they might not have been my best or closest friends, but they were friends no doubt. I have shared some beautiful memories with these people. But I was foolish enough to make an effort for those whom I call “best” friends but not for these people. I will not generalize because I don’t know what you all do? But I know about myself that I discriminated between friends in a way, didn’t I? My law friends (where I belong now!) might say it is a “reasonable classification” (for those who didn’t understand, it’s a lawyer thing!) but life is not some legislation, no rules, no laws. This is life! And friends are those people who make life worth living (but of course, after family). In today’s world, practicality is inculcated in us to such deep extents that all our decisions, our thoughts are guided by it. Perhaps that is why we blow the concept of “moving on” and “accepting the change” out of proportion and do not even try to keep those things together which can easily be preserved, like friends. I kept my close friends under my eye, but lost touch of the others. And its not a very conscious mistake which we make. It just happens. What is needed is that we be conscious of not letting it happen. We make a mistake thinking that friends are substitutable, but they are not. No person is. Not even the jerk from school who made you realize how much hatred abodes in you. You might find new ones no doubt, and they might even be better (or worse in case of the jerks) but they are not the ones whom you have left behind. We fool ourselves for some time thinking that we sail new seas now. But how can we forget that the river from which we emanate is what makes the sea? That river in which we flew till now is still there, the only difference is- the sea which we now call ours is made up of many rivers put together.

There are days when you are fully content with the change, fully happy in the moment; with your new life; with new people. But these instants are interspersed by moments where you remember all that you have left behind, and it is in these times that you simply wish you could have one day…..just one day in the past!!

Better off off-line!...

My friend Divi met Brick on the internet and they eventually became the best of friends (more like e-brother and sister if I’m not wrong). So the other day when I found out about this thing at Brick’s blog, I was amazed. Not that Divi hadn’t ever mentioned it to me. But at that time, it somehow didn’t strike me like this. So I told Brick that this entire notion of meeting people and becoming friends with them over the internet is kinda creepy for me. And I set to wonder why. I mean what IS the harm in making friends over the internet? Why is it that I for some strange reason have never been able to think that it is very much possible for one to find a good friend in an e-companion?

Possibility No. 1: Having stayed all your life in an over-protected environment, you have always been told by the distrustful lot (who, surprisingly you don not even remember, they were) not to ever have reliance on anything that is electronic, be it the E-mail or the E-banking or the EEnternet (he he).

Possibility No. 2: Just when you’ve turned adolescent and feel that you are finally ready to interact with people over the internet and you open your first mail account on Yahoo, you hear about this really great thing called chatting in school. So you go about exploring it thinking you would bump into nice people who would probably have nice things to talk about. A silly friend at school tells you to go join chat rooms where people discuss nice stuff. But just when you thought it’s gonna be fun, you somehow end up bumping only into maniacs who can’t stop discussing sex even in a chat room titled “India Speaks”. You try to get out of there as soon as possible, but your pace is slowed down by random chat windows incessantly popping up on your screen with people asking only a single question: “ASL?”. You wonder whatever happened to the good old word “Hi” but somehow manage to get out. You log off and secretly decide never to go on chat rooms again.

Possibility No. 3: You’re soaring your way through your teens and decide to be a little optimistic about the internet. But then you hear of cases all across where people who used e-accounts and e-banking have been robbed off of all their money. The distrustful lot (remember? The ones whom I cant remember? Yah! They’re the ones I’m talking about) make full use of these deplorable examples to inculcate a secret fear of the people whom one can meet online.
And if that were not enough, you come across this news article about people hooking up online and deciding to meet up under the impression that the other one will have the same “asl” as he/she proclaimed, only to be disappointed and robbed or mistreated by some stranger who was nothing compared to what they had imagined. You conveniently presume that everyone who decides to talk to people on the internet is a desperate freak, who will surely lie about his/her specifications only to trap you into meeting him/her one day and kidnapping you to be thrown off on some non-existent island where you’d be forced to beg or be eaten alive (if you’re lucky).

Possibility No. 4: You reach the latter half of your teens and hear of this cool community called orkut. Ignoring the discouraging voices of the distrustful lot (C’mon, I don’t need to tell you every time?) in your head, you decide to check it out and join in. So while randomly looking up at your friends’ profiles you find a weird similarity between the profiles of all those friends of yours who happen to be girls. They all seem to be having strange obtuse scraps from random guys reading nothing more than, “You hot, I likes, me good, want to be friendship”. Your first reaction is to thank your parents for sending you to a school where they made it a point to teach grammar along with the words (unlike in these cases). You feel this momentary sympathy for female kind because such desperate losers are found only amongst guys and you thank Mother Nature for making you a guy (Luckily, girls are almost never such freaks). You seek apologies from the distrustful lot hovering in your head (now giving you a victorious smirk in the “I told you” fashion) and decide that while on orkut, you would use it only to stay in touch with those whom you already know and never make new friends there.
You officially come to the conclusion that everyone who goes on the internet is either highly desperate or highly stupid.

Possibility No. 5: As you sit watching TV one day, you come across this News channel X (which has now become famous for being the news channel which sensationalizes almost everything, even a crow in Mumbai city!!) in which a scary man tells you how people who go in for online matrimonial sites get fooled in some way or the other.

Possibility No. 6: On top of everything else, the distrustful lot (They just keep coming back! Darmit! Who the hell are these people?) somehow convince you that internet surfing is an addiction as they gossip about how the only reason for a certain couple, Mr. and Mrs. X’s phone bill being exorbitant was because their son sat online watching porn all day. You, being the nice cultured chap you always thought you are, make up your mind never to be a slave to the internet and never to trust anyone whom you come across over the internet.

Changed Scenario: June 21, 2008; 4:00 PM: You sit thinking that may be you were wrong (but only a little bit!). The distrustful lot does not haunt you anymore. You have now grown up and you realize that it might be true that one cannot be too sure of whom to interact with on the internet but you don’t need to be scared or anything because not EVERYONE is a freak there. You should be open to the idea that there might, just might (I’m still not too optimistic) be good people there also. So you grow out of the absolutely negative notion (now its just plain and simple negative..but hey! At least there’s an improvement) and realize that internet is not a parallel universe with strange creatures roaming around (which you thought till now) but it is made up of humans after all (of course at the same time not forgetting that a lot many of them ARE still freaks..but again! improvement at least). All thanks to two people: Thank you Divi and Sukrit.

Mundane (ly) talks-Part1....

P1: They’re crazy. How could they EVER compare me to Monica. She's a girl, and a freak at that too!

P2 You ARE a Monica! A male version that’s all.

P1: Well then its not a Monica anymore is it?....O ya? Tell me one thing in me which is akin to her.

P2: Hah! One?!

P1 (Furious): She’s a freak. She’s paranoid about everything.

P2: So are you. Think about it. She’s a perfectionist, so are you.

P1: I’m not a perfectionist.

P2: Chuckle…… (yep, that’s all P1 got as a reply)

P1: You appall me! She’s a pain.

P2: Must you hear it from me? Have you ever seen yourself when you go about telling people how things should be and how they shouldn’t. I mean who comments on the way people serve water for christ’s sake!

P1: Well, we all need to have basic skills.

P2: Ahhh yes! And knowing how to serve food is a quintessential skill. And you say I appall YOU? OK, what about your obsession for organizing things?

P1: Oh k, THAT I never do. I’m not obsessed about neatness or organization. Just basic order that’s all, which, by the way, everyone wants.

P2: Hah! Have you ever seen yourself fuss?

P1: Fuss?! Me?! What are you talking about?!

P2: Hmmmpphh….! Fine! I give up! Now stop showing me those Monica eyes!

Little THIS Sunshine!

So the other day as I was impatiently standing in the bus eagerly waiting to get back to the guest house where I’m putting up, I got this thought. There are so many things in life which are so small and yet they give us such immense pleasure and happiness. He he. It reminds of this particular Shaktiman dialogue: “chhoti chhoti magar moti baatein” (or something like that. I wouldn’t know. My friend told me. Courtesy: Snigdho). It means things which are very small but which mean a lot. Or for that matter the famous Hindi proverb “Gaagar mein Saagar”. And isn’t it so damn true. I mean think about it. There are so many things which are like minuscule but which can make life worth living. So here is my list of some of those things which if we look at in the broader perspective, seem very small and insignificant, but which give us a lifetime of pleasure at those moments, a pleasure which is literally beyond compare:

1. Finding a bathroom when you have been wanting to pee from like ages: isn’t it absolutely heavenly. C’mon now. Own up. You know it is!
2. Highly contextual. When you have been waiting for that stupid DTC bus from half and hour and you’re late and tired and its about to rain and there, just when you were planning to take an auto instead, you see it down the horizon. Ahhh! Sheer elation I tell you.
3. Hmm, don’t now how many would share this one. But supposed there’s a project submission the next day and you somehow couldn’t finish (which happens rarely but still, it can happen!) or whatever and just when you had given up hope, the electricity goes out and it doesn’t come back till early morning and the backchods of the batch bug the professor to death and manage to get an extension. Yey! My GPA is saved!
4. That first monsoon rain (especially if you live in Jaipur) when you rush to the terrace with your sibling and get drenched and when your parents come back from office in the evening, after a little scolding session for getting wet, you all get to have hot tea and pakoras in the porch (especially if its summer vacation time!
5. That journey in the train back home after the end terms! Ahh! This one is surely beyond compare! The anticipation is simply exhilarating.
6. Umm..ok..this toh I know definitely a lot of people won’t share, but every time your result comes out after the end terms!
7. Long drives with your family.
8. Spending the entire evening trying to cook a special dinner for your parents’ anniversary while they are away just to see that expression of half amusement-half bewilderment on their face when they return.
9. Getting those calls from your friends at 12.15 AM on your birthday just when you thought they won’t call.
10. The first time you take out the quilt and cuddle under it when the winter has just dawned.

Mumbai-aaaaah! Part III:Roll-a-coast-Er!

My third week down, I was much more comfortable with the ‘city of dreams’. I had grown to enjoy the solitary walks at marine drive, the backpacking throughout the city, the breezy rides in the local trains standing by the exit, the occasional rude interjections in my mundane travelling routine when the train was spilling out people, but above all, I had started enjoying Mumbai as a city.

Ahem ahem! I find it imperative to mention here that my age old belief in everything happening for a reason came to be re-instated in my mind, only more vigorous. It so happened that I had nicely come to Mumbai under the wrong impression that all my Mumbai friends would be there, but not even a single one was there (not even the school time pals! Can you imagine? Everyone had to go in those exact weeks?) This made me, like I already said, re-discover myself. And although I whined and sulked in the beginning, but by the end of the 3^rd week, I realized that I probably wouldn’t have had such a time (good or bad) had all of them been there, and I liked what I had gone through. We rarely get opportunities to experience such days.

So anyway, Divi and Ambi had come back by now and we planned a day out. Me and Divi had already spent a day of fulto (is that how you spell it?) masti the previous day and we were all looking forward to the Sunday when we’d go to Essel World (sighhh!. Mistake again!). Mistake why? I’ll tell you why! I went to Essel World with probably the most opposite-minded people ever! On one side I had Miss Crazy: thrilled to risk her life for the fun of going upside down on a ride, and on the other, Miss Chinky (won’t you agree girls? Ambi was looking rather chinky that day!): wouldn’t so much as get close to those rides fearing they’d render her (and all co-riders) infertile (ha ha ha ha..rotfl..it still makes me burst out) but would rather die of a craving for every possible food item available in the entire park (seriously, every 2 minutes ambi!), though she won’t even eat that much! Not that I’m much of a Bond myself!

So there we go to Essel World. Firstly, the wait for the ferry was like eternal. It just refused to come! And on top of that, that place funnily stinks of fish/or prawn/or whatever it is which these two uncongenial companions couldn’t even sense. Then finally we reach the island and look forward to what turned out to be the most excitingly boring day!

The moment we stepped foot in, Divi went crazy for the crazy rides. She wanted an undertaking signed by both of us saying: “we shall not chicken out of any ride and will accompany this crazy freak to ALL the rides”! I mean ALL?! She has to be crazy! Then of course, her love for us and her considerate nature and our excellent bargaining skills brought us down to moderate rides being ridden together and it was conveniently decided that she will have our full support, from a safe distance away from the ride of course, as she plans to risk her staying intact. We wanted a warm-up, so we went on this silly zig-zag going planes. I was made to sit alone for the first one. It was ok!

Then a few more rides and finally Divi reaches her dream ride. The Thunder! And above all, she somehow expected US to go on it with her! Ha ha! Nice one! She kept insisting saying that it goes round only once and you know, the usual crap! Well, little did she know that going upside down is the only thing it does. It must have taken them round like a dozen times. We watched as she went into the darkness and the ride started. And soon enough, I was thanking my lucky starts I hadnt fallen for Divi’s drama (and as it turns, so was she cos she knew very well that had I gone with her on that one, then if I manage to ever get out alive, she won’t!). We watched horrified as she went up n down n up again. It was kinda tough to make out her expression with her franticly moving hair covering her face. But the expressions of the others were worth the sight. Half of them were the crazy breed (you know, the Divi types) who were laughing out and yelling with joy with their bodies vainly protesting by turning red. But the other half made staying out worth it. One could easily make out that half of that half were already seeing flashes of their entire life while the other half was clinging to the hope of god getting them out alive. It seemed to last forever. And after that, when divi came, she was walking zigzag and yet beaming! (Crazy I tell you!)

Then came the best experience. We sat on this particular ride which again had some sort of planes going crazy and I sat with Ambi. The ride started and so did she! She must have covered almost all the things which she wants to do before dying, yelling them out at the top of her lungs. And when that didn’t help, she found the best solution in continuously blaming the ride for turning the world infertile and how she would sue them for depriving her of the pleasure of making love if she turned out to be one of it’s victims. You know it’s funny how in life-threatening situations, a person’s true inner desires come out. As it turns out, hers was to get married and produce a battalion of bambus! In the middle of the ride she was even ready to compromise the choice of husband and was trying to barter a good-looking husband in return of her life from her fate!

The rest of the day turned out to be rather uneventful compared to the extreme action that had gone. Of course not to forget, ambi acting drunk n crazy on the crazy cups (they DO work I guess!) and me n Divi making an absolute fool of ourselves on the ice-skating rink while Ambi nicely glided around.

By 4:00 we were so damn bugged that we decided to call it a day (already!), went back and the last sight which all the others on the ferry must have seen was three idiots sleeping away to glory in bright afternoon as the rest enjoyed the nice cut through the sea!