Monday, June 29, 2009

Growing up!

When you are a child, you often come across frustrated adults grumpy and irritated about nature's irony called "growing up". But when you are a kid, you never truly appreciate, truly understand why people are so bugged with the entire idea of growing up. Twenty years down the line, you find yourself in the shoes of those very people, thinking often, sometimes aloud, that growing up does truly suck. Why so?! Honestly, I myself have asked this question so many times. It's not like I live a depressed life, not at all. I am happy, enjoying every moment of my being. But somewhere at the back of my head, whenever there is a comparison between now and then, the then seems to dominate, taking me over, filling me with a sense of nostalgia.

I remember when I was a kid, I couldn't wait for this little self called "me" to grow up. It was like an eternal wait and somehow, in my head I kept waiting, waiting for something to happen, waiting for time to show its might, waiting for so many things. I was excited, excited to enjoy every moment of my life to the fullest, excited to go to college, to earn, to LIVE! But nothing happened, not in my head at least. I grew up (Or did I?) in the eyes of everyone. And it came as a big shock. When the hell did that happen? It was tough to comprehend. Wasn't I fully prepared. Wasn't I waiting? And yet, when it struck me, I was taken off guard. Soon, days turned into months and months into years. But I (as I'm sure many others my age) continued to be in denial. And a good part of me still is, which refuses to grow up, refuses to accept the undeniable truth.

Its not the age that's the issue. It's the responsibility. The excitement is still there. But its shadowed, overpowered by an anxiety. What will I do? It's all on me now. I can't be the same carefree kid that I was (or at least I am expected not to be). And it surprises me, that how the grand event I was so eagerly waiting for, I now want removed. I want time to go slow. I am expected to take so many decisions all of a sudden. Without a forewarning, I have been bombarded with serious talks of life. Life?! Life itself has changed, from being about chocolates and TV and playing around, to jobs and future and responsibility and expectations. No matter how hard I try, this time there's no escape. I will one day have to go out for work, job?!?! It sounds so remote in my head, and yet so unexpectedly up close and personal. It's right there and yet so far away. I am an amalgamation, of past and present, of dreams and reality, of excitement and anxiety.

While growing up, there always was an exit route, something to look forward to, something to make my adrenaline pump. When I was in preliminary school, there was High School. When I came to 12th, the tears in our eyes while graduating were washed away with the hopes of an awesome college life. But what now, where to!? There are no more crossroads, no more choices, no more running away. Theres only one way from here and that goes to the adult world, the creepy boring adult world.

But of course, there is always the hope. the hope that my life is in my hands (like they say, its your life, make it large!). Endlessly confronted with choices, one always has the steering wheel in his hands. I do too. And I know I will survive! And I also know that in the years to come, the new life to start, I will be best guided by one person who has been with me from the very beginning, who knows me more than I do now, who knows what my dreams were, what I wanted, what made me smile, what made me cry, and that is the reflection of me as a kid! I know I can't stay this way forever, but if only, I want to be carefree again, I want to be wild again, I want to be a kid again!


Header Image from Bangbouh @ Flickr