Get(ting) Smart....

July 2006: You come to college happily and are bold enough to take a room right on the fourth floor (in case someone is missing the point, we are in India, that too Jodhpur, lifts haven't been invented for the city yet). You think it'll always be breezy and nice and you'd be able to see the sun rise every morning over the endless stretch of what I can at best call..umm..earth (sand sounds too bland). Not to forget that corner of our brains which somehow always makes us feel that if we are buying a house with a nice balcony, we'll sit there every morning to sip a cup of tea while the birds chirp their way back to their nests (The next thing you know is we are moving out and you can't really remember the last time or for that matter, ANY time when you sat there and sipped that supposed cup of tea). So well, optimism fills your heart with hopes of soft mornings and soothing evenings which you will spend by yourself in your balcony. Now it is important to mention here that these hopes are of course "to scale". I mean while with a normal balcony you'd imagine sitting down with your legs spread wide and occasional stretches, here the hopes could not further than being able to stand in the balcony without moving a muscle if you wanna save yourself from falling off considering the unbelievable size of the balcony (I'm bad with numbers so just imagine space not more than just enough to place two coolers). But still, whatever the size, you have hopes.

Three mornings later : You have exhausted all possible abuses you know, that can even remotely apply to birds (Go figure). Your earlier bird-loving self, who looked down upon bird hunters with rejection and disgust, is now reconsidering itself and is wondering which would be the best weapon to destroy the entire pigeon species in a single blow. (Reason you ask?) Well, nothing more than the fact that in your lovely balcony there are more pigeons than air molecules, and your good old alarm clock never gets an opportunity to wake you up considering that you could never sleep thanks to some serious bird porno going on (talk about being violent).

One week after that: You detest pigeons more than anything you've ever disliked. You come to the conclusion that all that you were taught in science in school was bullshit about how all creatures apart from humans and dolphins have a specific mating season and produce babies ONLY DURING THAT SEASON (I think the people who came to that conclusion never saw the pigeons of Jodhpur, because boy they can go on and on and on at it. I think the next big thing in science should be erectile dysfunction cure using biotechnology based on pigeon genes.. Forget Viagra!) So now, not only is your balcony absolutely infested with pigeons, but it also has numerous lil birdy homes!

Two weeks after that: Its the rainy season (You know what it means, lots of water in the balcony).Your nose has evolved into believing that rotten eggs smell good thanks to the constant pooping needs of the pigeons, which when mixed with water gives a smell which umm kinda gives you a high!

You have reached the abyss of your disgust!!

Some time after that: You can't get over the fact that your college life is flying by and so far the only ones who've sipped anything in your balcony while enjoying a soothing moment are the pigeons. You go about doing a survey as to what all are the possible remedies to make your balcony pigeon free. You get hopeful after seeing the nice mesh put up by the rich guy in the other hostel, only to find that it'll cost you nothing less than your entire month's expenses.

So you give up..you succumb to your fate and try to establish a cordial relation with the pigeons.

An year and a half after that: You realise that there is a war going on in your balcony. Pigeons and sparrows have declared an open war on each other and BOTH of them have their establishments in your balcony. You start missing the sounds of pigeon love making which were so much lower than the sounds of birds killing each other.

Some time after that: You finally decide that you can't take it anymore and something must be done. You turn to your very own magician who always has a solution for everything (Dad). You laugh at yourself to see that he came up with a cheap solution in not more than one day and you curse the entire genetic combination theory for the fact that you are clearly not an inheritor of his intelligence. So you come back to college, do a little market dash and buy a funky mesh which cost you nothing more than your two days food expenses. You gloat in adulation. Once the mesh is fixed, you finally get to see what your balcony actually looks like (hmm..I expected better but oh well!). People keep coming to your room and you are happily convinced that if ever there were an award for the best idea that'd go to you (what's my dad's is mine :P). Lots of people copy your idea and you realise what it feels to be on the seventh heaven.

All is going well till you go for a moot to Europe leaving your balcony totally unattended for 2-3 weeks. Only to come back and find that the mesh is doing a perfect job in keeping THINGS bigger in size than the mesh pores outside. But as you once again look around with a feeling of sheer genius over the idea, you see something which was never there in your balcony before. Aghast! you quickly lock the balcony swearing never to open it again by yourself. You share the dreadful sight with your floor-mate who nicely comes to the conclusion that this is what happens when you tamper with nature and act smart. He seems more happy with his decision of not putting a mesh than ever before.

The Present Day: March 2009: You of course are not regretting your decision to put the mesh. It still is the best thing that has happened to your balcony. You can't possibly forget the nights which you have slept peacefully without any disturbance thanks to the mesh. But one thing fails to escape your mind: What do I do of this freaking Bee Hive!

A Tribute to Smoky!..

Hmmpph.. :(

Europe: Lovely place..had awesome fun.. BUT.. in all the glory and glamour, amidst the shimmering lights and amazing sights.. I lost something (which of course I wasn't really discrete about.. ask anyone in Den Haag about a certain Indian who kept asking any random person if they had seen something which he had lost?).. I lost Smoky!

Who Smoky you ask? Well, its a long story. I remember the first time I laid my eyes on smoky! She was a beauty! Black has always been my favourite colour. And it was the perfect black. Neither funnily grey nor sooty black. Just the perfect shade of black. Which made you feel oddly warm, and not like the normal cold black-holish cold creep that you get on seeing black. And what was more.. It was in a SALE! So it was the perfect brand, the perfect colour, the perfect look and yet CHEAP! Sigh! It was simply perfect. The moment I picked it up from the Monte Carlo, I knew that we were meant to be together (at least till I grew out of it considering my constant tendency to bloat up every once in a while).

So finally we bought it, all excited to take it to Europe with me. I packed it up nicely, right at the base of my suit case so that it doesn't get spoiled or soiled. i had saved it for the perfect moment, it was supposed to be my good luck charm in my moot. It was supposed to be my protector from the ruthless biting cold of Europe. But these bloody heaters, they ruined it all.

Its still fresh as ever in my memory (actually, it really hasn't been more than 2 weeks). It was a Monday (or was it a Wednesday, i think it was a Wednesday but that's not the point). I was getting ready for the first round of the moot. I went, had a shower, took out the suit and then carefully took out Smoky, my black sweater, wore it, looked good (or so I though at least). And then feeling empowered I went for the moot. The moot went well. I can accredit that to Smoky i I guess. But darm the heaters. It was like a furnace in there. I mean Smoky was just trying to help I know, you know, doing her job by keeping me warm. But it was so freaking hot that I had to take Smoky off. Don't give me those e-looks, I didn't have a choice. I never meant to take it off. You know what they say: "what's meant to happen, happens". I guess my act of taking Smoky off was just a pawn move in the greater cosmological conspiracy against Smoky. But little did I know that. Else, I would have NEVER taken it off. NEVER!..... Sigh! .... But i did!

I was overjoyed with the moot performance. We were all chit chatting. And somewhere in the corner was Smoky, waiting in patience to be picked up. And i did too. I picked it up and then took it into the lobby with me, But there I was distracted. Had to go for some work and that is the last time i remember having held Smoky. That was the last time Smoky was in my arms.

After that everything is a blurr. The next thing I remember, I was in the Hotel where I was putting up and Smoky was not there. I looked around like crazy. Everywhere I could see, she was nowhere to be found. I had left here somewhere.

For the remaining days of the trip, everyday I spent thinking where could I have left her. I inquired everywhere, at the World Forum where the moot took place, at the Chinese restaurant where I had had lunch that day. Downstairs at the Hotel if I might have left it somewhere. But all in vain. She was nowhere to be found. And the only thing that I could think of was: It was my fault! The others tried to pacify me. "Its not your fault". It made me question my very responsibility levels.

I became desperate. I would ask any one I saw or met. By the end of the trip, I was known as the guy who lost his special black sweater. I remember that at the farewell party, so many people actually walking up to me to express their condolences over my loss of Smoky.

Then I became REALLY desperate. I needed a plan. I jotted down all the possible places I had gone to. And my final conclusion based on elimination method was that "Oh f****, I left it in the Tram!". But I wasn't the types who'd give up. Before leaving, I asked one of my friends who was staying back to go to the Lost and Found Department and look for things found in a Tram. I was so convinced that he would find it there. I kept hoping..hoping..till one day, days later after returning to college I found out that Smoky wasn't found. I surrendered to my greater wisdom and concluded that I should let go of her.

It is often said that we don't realise the importance of something till we have lost it. It was only after losing her that I named her Smoky.

An thus, with this post, I bid adieu to Smoky, forever. You will be truly missed!

Guess Who's Back!..PLUS...College Realities!

A very warm hello to all my readers (I am myself amazed at the usage of the term ‘all’ for the handful, and that too a toddler’s hand, who find time to read all this crap!). First all of all I’d like to extend my heartfelt gratitude to this very handful. I really appreciate you finding time to read all this and that too considering the fact that my blogging follows a periodic motion.

All those who know me would know what my blogging again means. You see, from times immemorial, events have been used to keep track of time. For example, when the sun is at such and such location in the sky, its such and such time, etc. Similarly, my blogging serves as a rather reliable clock (:P). "My blogging again signifies that I am totally jobless once again which happens every six months when my college vacations start and I, with the same hard to kill spirit, come for an internship only to find myself in yet another office in the day and a boring session in the evenings with nothing to do, except, well, bug all of you with all this!": This was the line that was supposed to be there in the post as I had initially typed it out, but then due to some technological screw ups i never could actualy post it. But don't worry, this re-attempt of mine at blogging also signifies my extreme boredome, except that I AM in college with a knee which is definitelyh not fine and is not even officially broken. Its a sucky Friday night and I've just finished watching "Billu Barber" (umm..ya whatever!).. the only outing I managed to have was to the orthopedist (remember the knee..cmon, you gotta follow the flow!) when the normal people who have a LIFE are out partying! :(

So well I Am Bored, and thus I shall bore you! hoo haa haa haa! Let's see now, what do I need to write about. Actually, there is this entire list of things I prepared in my head which I had to blog about, but bunk all that, I found something better (for the moment).

For all those kids out there who are not yet in college, here is a list of some of the most commonly spread myths about a college:

I) Expectations Related:

1) A college is supposed to have a culture of fun filled events! (phhoosshhh!, you are mistaken brother)
2) When I'm in college, my life will be rockin so let me drag along nicely through my school days! (hah! wishful thinking)
3) Colleges are supposed to be the way they are shown in Television (you better throw that box out right NOW!)

II) Academics Related:

1) Higher the GPA the more intelligent you are (yes yes, this is just to let everyone know that I accept that I might be a dumbass so dont push it in!)
2) Lower the GPA the less intelligent you are (this had to be mentioned separately..cmon, you know, for those who have a higher GPA to understand better...shhh)
3) Everything that I will read in a Law School will make sense (ha ha..no comments)
4) Teachers in a Law School are supposed to know everything about everything (definitely not)
5) Teachers in a Law School are supposed to know everything about their own bloody subject (surprised?.dont be)

III) Love- life related:

1) Peple who ae dating love each other.
2) More mportantly, people who are dating each other DO NOT love anyone else (get the hint!)
3) Assuming that people who are dating love each other, people fall in luv only once during at least their college life!
4) Every broken heart needs at least a month to heal!
5) There is a limit to the number of times one can fall in love.
5) Above all, good guys always get what they deserve ultimately!

IV) General People Related:

1) A vegetarian is someone who doesn't eat meat (Who said....umm..cough Divi cough)
2) If you're nice to everyone you will be called NICE and not DIPLOMATIC every single day!
3) If you're DIPLOMATIC you'll be called DIPLOMATIC and not NICE!
4) College level students are mature (the best one so far! ha ha ha ha!)

Now I can understand if not all of you agree with what I have written. But if you do, please do let me know. And if you do not agree with them and in your college these statements are actually true....till what age does your colleges accept applications?!?! ;)

Lap top?!..

I had noticed this thing earlier but it never incurred to me like this. So yesterday when I was just generally surfing the net in my typical way, keeping the lap top on my bed, after I was done as soon as I picked up ma laptop, I realized that it was burning hot at its fundament, so much so that even the bedsheet felt like it had been freshly ironed. And that is when it struck me. Aren't laptos supposed to be used on our laps?! So what is this, some sort of a cospiracy? I mean if they really ARE supposed to be kept on your lap, then howcome they are so damn hot at that very place which would be ON our laps. Do they wanna burn us or something? And that is when I realized that I have placed my pally at every possible place, the bed, the table, the ground, even haning mid air at times with the meagre support of my hands, but never on my lap!! Ironical, isnt it? But the interesting thing is, it seems as though it was made never to be placed on your lap. Reaons? Many. Firstly because my laptop one of those sad HP Pavilion notebooks who's screen won't bend beyond a certain level (which level, by the way, is rather uncomfortable) so its virtually impossibe to keep it on yor lap and look at the screen at the same time. It's like Heisenberg's uncertainity principle, either you can keep it on your lap OR you can look at the screen with full certainity, to be able to do both fully is IMPOSSIBLE. Secondly, the burning base. I mean I'm pretty sure that if I keep my so called 'lap'top on my lap for more than 5 minutes, I'd end up cautereizing (I like exaggeration, so please don't mind) my sexy thighs (see...exaggeration!). Thirdly, if one actually tries it, it is damn uncomfprtable to use the mouse-pad if the laptop is actuallt on your lap. You inevitably have to tilt the lappy to make the experience more comfy.

Hmm..I seriously wonder if lap tops were EVER meant to be placed on laps??!!

A pair of additional eyes, the newest member of my life....

Ever since I was in the 9th standard, I had been having these headaches which were very peculiar in their nature. So my dad, like a good concerned father, took me to the eye specialist thinking, like every one else does, that the most standard cause of a headache is a poor eyesight. The doctor after the test came to the conclusion that my eyesight was just fine. So I move on with my leave and so does he, and so do the headaches until recently I realized that their frequency has been ever-increasing. So finally after so many years I go to the doc two days ago, again and this time unfortunately he surrenders to the cosmological plan and breaks it to my parents that I need specs..I mean ME!! How? When? What the.....!! The sky seemed to collide on me! Poor me, unsuspecting, unaware of this destiny that I will have to wear specs some day. The doctor sensing my anxiety quickly said I think he more wanted to save me the embarrassment of yelling out in agony in front of the tens of patients waiting to be inspected), "Don't worry, its a very minute number and who knows, in an year or so it might even get reduced." I found solace in these words (though very little) and went home with a gloomy face. My parents bribed me with everything possible to make me smile. I of course, took all the bribes but decided still not to smile for some time till my sister called from abroad to tell him that specs are not hat big a deal and my mom lying without her fingers crossed that "I'm sure you'll look adorable in them!" So finally i managed to conjure up a smile and decided that if I'm getting something, I damn well be exited about it even if it is my ticket to chasmish-dome. So we all go to the opticians shop to buy a pair. And I must admit, he was a damn fine salesmen cos he simply refused to show anything simple (which in their language is bland or out of fashion) and wouldn't show anything reasonably priced. Cheap specs was a thing unknown to him it seemed. He kept insisting that my age requires fashion and kept coming up with "Nothing but the best for beta ji". He managed to blackmail my parents into proving their love for me by buying the best quality that he has. I of course intervened at this point and decided to go for something neither exorbitantly expensive nor something cheap. Finally I picked one. Have to go and collect it this evening. Hmm...but my mind has been on this for quite some time now. I try to evaluate my options, the pros and cons of this new a member of my life.

Pros:
1) Considering the way I look, anything that manages to shield the world from the torture of directly looking at me might help. So that solves my problem. And everyone who saw me creating a scene at the opticians shop, fussing over which pair to pick, said that I look really good in specs (though I somehow think that was only to make me get over with it quickly so that they all might get their chance with the shopkeeper). So there we go, hah! At least I look cute. On this my friend swordfishH (yep, dont forget the H lest you'll face her wrath) that if these specs are a part of my face for just one year I better trick a girl into becoming my GF cos as per her, with my natural looks, ints impossible (Damn you Sarkar! I look good ok. :P)

2) I sincerely believe that specs add to your intellectual look. So now people will see me as an intelligent, sophisticated and well behaved chap. I better start acting so though, you know, just to match up with the look).

3) Adding to the above point, somehow I've always felt that specs give you an authority and people tend to take you seriously. Hah! now mess with me!

I know what all I said above might not be absolutely true, but hey..let the kid have his peace.

Cons:
1) they suck! sob sob..ill have somthing hung on my face!!

2) The first few days are a pain. Why you ask? wel duh, firstly cos people do not so much as even try to refrain from bursting into fits of laughter on looking at you. Secondly, its not really a walk in the park to get accustomed to having something on your face. Thirdly, now i cant call others chasmish ever (not that i ever have, but I would have liked to have my options open).

3) Well, no more being mister "I can go around bumping into things", no more being clumsy..Because the moment I become clumsy and fall off or something, my specs mught just break.

4) Worst of all. One more thing to take care of. I mean what if I lose it or something like keep losing all my stationary.

5) They suck..oh sorry! did i already mention it! ;)

Times flying by....wheres my baby!?

So the other day I just realized that time is really flying by for me..I mean before I even know it I'll be 20 (sighh..there goes my Teenage!) and then one year from then and I'll be 21 (I know I know..you all know your Maths, but its for the effect), the legal age to get married or even adopt. The mention of this adopt thing has a very interesting reason to it. I mean don't you all just love babies! We all do! I toh for one have wanted a baby ever since I was a baby myself I think. They are the cutest things that ever crawled the Earth you know! But the problem is, I'm running out of time. I mean I've had zero relationships so far (not even so much as a fling), and the way things are going I'm apprehensive about being on my way to becoming that old Pantaloon who stays all by himself in a suburb and the neighbourhood kids come and ring his doorbell and then run away and he comes out and yells randomly at trees and dogs and birds...sigh! (Talk about having a bright future!).

And above all, how will I ever have a kid like this (I mean I know the HOW..umm..but with whom and when?), you know someone to call Junior (though I never would call him junior..its the worst name one could address their kid by)..So then I decided that in case I never find someone, I'll adopt. I only need to wait like an year and a half now to be of legal age to adopt.

But then how could the kid stay without a mother? A kid definitely needs a mother! So my second option was tricking someone to marry me and then having a kid. On this my friend K had a rather repulsive thing to say, "You mean you'll trick her, knock her off!!, and then desert her running away with the child". Of course not! Now that I have married her, I'd be loyal and stay with her and live the perfect life and all. The only difference is that my ultimate motive behind marrying her would have been the kid. Because if I start looking for someone from the simple perspective of marrying her, there are a zillion flaws which I manage to point out in every single girl I've ever seen. Once I change my perspective (you know from "I want a wife" to "Now I just want a mother for my child") the only thing that I'll have to look for is a perfect gene pool. She doesn't have to be perfect anymore (unlike when I think from the "I want a wife" perspective), she just has to be a gene pool which includes great looks, high moral tone, smart, good to talk to, talented (at least as much as I am), intelligent (again..beat me at least!), sound medical history, etc. etc., which is Almost Perfect, but hey! What the hell, at least I've come down from perfect to the almost.

Theres one more reason why the sooner I have a kid, the better it is! You see, I want to give my kid the maximum time, the maximum luxury, the maximum happiness and above all, the best upbringing, you know with perfect morals and all (those who know me well would know). Now for that I need to be able to give them my best till the time they are old enough to look after themselves. So if I do not have one by the time I'm 30, I'll be 50 when they're just 20. I would be old, but they would still be not fit to cater to themselves (ask me, I'm almost 20, I know! 20 is definitely not the age when one feels ready to take care of himself). How is that ever gonna work out?! (Panic!) So that leaves me with only 10 years and 6 months to find the girl, make a baby and nurture him/her nicely or simple adopt (hah! now you tell me which one seems easier!) So may be I should have a plan ready. If I do not find anyone by the time I am, lets say, 27, then I go in for adoption and then marry someone later on (of course someone who I'm sure won't be an evil step mom).

And while we're at it, if I have a child after marriage, then toh I can't really help it, son or daughter, so would be happy with any. But if I adopt, has to be a daughter. Dont know why? I guess its always like this: Women want sons and Men want daughters.

Phew! There we go! That seems planned!..I wonder if its because of these things that people say I think obsessively..We'll see about that when I'm nicely with my kid and the others are too late..hoo haa haa haa....newase....baby, here i come!

Cheese up!

I was just reminded of three of the cheesiest pick-up lines I've ever heard. Before I say any further, I find it pertinent to tell all of you that I came across them on Television, so don't blame me for the content.

1) A guy saying to a girl:

"Madam, I am your only Adam!"

I mean what?! Its old, its tacky and its sure to make the girl either run away or slap him right there on the face (and if really unlucky, then maybe a kick in the...)

2) This is by far the most hilarious I've heard. This was apparently used by a rather aunty-ish lady on John Abr. (so he says, on Koffee with Karan). The aunty (I like calling her that) comes up to him, gives an ineffectual seductive smile and says with a wink:

"I wanna go for a ride, and I don't mean your bike!"

Woaaah! Where did it even come from? Its one thing being innovative, but its another being, well, plain and simple sleazy. I can just imagine. The poor clueless John sipping his drink away to glory in a bar (where by the way, I think the entire incident took place) and comes this aunty to the hapless unsuspecting fellow and drops this bomb.

Now the interesting question is how do you think he would have reacted. My guesses are:

"umm..no thanks..I'm out of fuel"

or "umm..may be some other day..it's a bit...rusty abhi"

or a plain and simple "No thanks, I prefer riding alone"

[;) They always said I was good with puns!]

3) There's a third one also, but its beyond the scope of this blog..so if anyone wants to know it..too bad! just switch on the TV and sit waiting for it to Cheese up!