Growing up!

When you are a child, you often come across frustrated adults grumpy and irritated about nature's irony called "growing up". But when you are a kid, you never truly appreciate, truly understand why people are so bugged with the entire idea of growing up. Twenty years down the line, you find yourself in the shoes of those very people, thinking often, sometimes aloud, that growing up does truly suck. Why so?! Honestly, I myself have asked this question so many times. It's not like I live a depressed life, not at all. I am happy, enjoying every moment of my being. But somewhere at the back of my head, whenever there is a comparison between now and then, the then seems to dominate, taking me over, filling me with a sense of nostalgia.

I remember when I was a kid, I couldn't wait for this little self called "me" to grow up. It was like an eternal wait and somehow, in my head I kept waiting, waiting for something to happen, waiting for time to show its might, waiting for so many things. I was excited, excited to enjoy every moment of my life to the fullest, excited to go to college, to earn, to LIVE! But nothing happened, not in my head at least. I grew up (Or did I?) in the eyes of everyone. And it came as a big shock. When the hell did that happen? It was tough to comprehend. Wasn't I fully prepared. Wasn't I waiting? And yet, when it struck me, I was taken off guard. Soon, days turned into months and months into years. But I (as I'm sure many others my age) continued to be in denial. And a good part of me still is, which refuses to grow up, refuses to accept the undeniable truth.

Its not the age that's the issue. It's the responsibility. The excitement is still there. But its shadowed, overpowered by an anxiety. What will I do? It's all on me now. I can't be the same carefree kid that I was (or at least I am expected not to be). And it surprises me, that how the grand event I was so eagerly waiting for, I now want removed. I want time to go slow. I am expected to take so many decisions all of a sudden. Without a forewarning, I have been bombarded with serious talks of life. Life?! Life itself has changed, from being about chocolates and TV and playing around, to jobs and future and responsibility and expectations. No matter how hard I try, this time there's no escape. I will one day have to go out for work, job?!?! It sounds so remote in my head, and yet so unexpectedly up close and personal. It's right there and yet so far away. I am an amalgamation, of past and present, of dreams and reality, of excitement and anxiety.

While growing up, there always was an exit route, something to look forward to, something to make my adrenaline pump. When I was in preliminary school, there was High School. When I came to 12th, the tears in our eyes while graduating were washed away with the hopes of an awesome college life. But what now, where to!? There are no more crossroads, no more choices, no more running away. Theres only one way from here and that goes to the adult world, the creepy boring adult world.

But of course, there is always the hope. the hope that my life is in my hands (like they say, its your life, make it large!). Endlessly confronted with choices, one always has the steering wheel in his hands. I do too. And I know I will survive! And I also know that in the years to come, the new life to start, I will be best guided by one person who has been with me from the very beginning, who knows me more than I do now, who knows what my dreams were, what I wanted, what made me smile, what made me cry, and that is the reflection of me as a kid! I know I can't stay this way forever, but if only, I want to be carefree again, I want to be wild again, I want to be a kid again!

Non Sense

I know its really non sense to ask this but I was wondering, how is it that your inspiration is supposed to run dry but your spirits, on the other hand, always get dampened. Weird?! Isn't it contradictory?!

Coz well, isn't it so that you get your inspiration from your spirit only. I always presumed that your muse is nothing but a more popular resident of spirit-town.

So like one day if I'm writing and I my inspiration runs dry, it would mean my spirits are dry too and so it should be perfect for some spiritual writing! :P

Insomania!

So it started when I was in the eight standard. It would suffice to tell you that I had a certain exam, which I was really nervous about, more than usual, thinking how will I ever manage to finish off the entire course in one day. Put all this together and you get a sleepless 'me' tossing and turning in the bed till late in the night. And that it how it all began. After that there were several times when during exams I couldn't sleep till late. But generally, I would always end up ultimately falling asleep. But this time it got really late, I was on my bed sleepless and without relief till 3 or 4 (Don't laugh..3 or 4 is late for me..its freakin' next day!)..So I decided to take matters in my own hands and went on my quest for a solution. I sat searching on the internet (of course after finishing the course) for almost an hour on the examination eve. And these were the various solutions I came across:

1) Cure 1: Count sheep (Oh yeah, I've heard that one before..its gotta work!)....Observe them properly, every little detail (Ok so where do i start?)...its eyes, its wool, its legs, its small nose (wow..thats good detailing..oh k, here goes)..observe them as they hop right over the fence of your dreams (oh k, make them hope..hop hop hop!...).. Every sheep, some big and fat, others small and thin, observe it (oh k..wow..this is working..i think im sleepy..no wait..its just boredom)..And you'll eventually fall asleep before you even know it (umm..I don't think so..I've been at it for like forever..how many of these things are up there anyway..gosh! its like a factory ................................................................................. Oh k..I give up!)

2) Cure 2: Go to your happy place (The what?!)..Happy place? You don't have one/ (umm...no!)..well then lets create one for you (sure thing, whatever helps me get some sleep)..Lets see, what would you have as your happy place (ooh.. I disneyland?! Good one huh?).. We know, a peaceful quiet meadow (umm...not really!..but oh what the hell).. Imagine a green peaceful meadow (oh k).. Observe the silence (what?! how?!).. You are standing right in the middle of it (oh k.... I am!).. theres a stream flowing through the meadow (A stream in the meadow!? What?!)..or maybe the mountains, where you can feel the soft breeze flowing through your hair (Are we there already..its gettin kinda boring)..and you are in a boat (Where the hell did that come from?!)..and you're rowing (Fine Row Row Row!)..and you're rowing (Yes i am..and nothings happening)..you are absorbing the peace and tranquility (not quite)..and you're rowing (Thud!)..and you're falling asleep (no I'm not!)..and you're almost asleep (Get out of my head!)....

3) Cure 3: Now this one was the funniest..........Cant sleep? (Yeah).. There can be various causes of insomnia (ahun ahun)...the most common is Anxiety (yep yep..you got that right!).. We have the perfect solution for you (yey!).. All you need to do is get rid of the anxiety! (huh?1..what?!..of course I need to do that..but how?!.... Wheres the rest of your help!)

Days of our lives.....

Yawn! Internships I tell you. They make you think. About anything and everything. Not that I'm famous for keeping my mind clear anyway, but still, internships give me that extra kick to ponder over weird stuff. What else can you do when you are jobless!?

So anyway, the other day as I sat waiting for my associate to call me, I realised the world of difference between the life that I have (or will have once I start working) and the life that I've always wanted to have or thought I'll have.

Let me give you a lil schedule of the days of My various lives (real and hypothetical)

What I do/will do:

7:00 AM: Get up, yawn..Sleep Again
7:30 AM: Get up, for real this time.
8:00 AM: Get ready for work.
9:00 AM: Get going for work.
10:00 AM: Reach your work place only to see none of the other associates are there. So you check your mails and do random TP on the internet (like blogging).
11:00 AM: Wonder if the day has started yet. Get started with your work because people have just started coming in.
12:00 PM: Stare at your computer screen pretending that you're in a state of deep concentration, working.
1:00 PM: Still staring....
2:00 PM: Eat lunch.
3:00 PM: Get on with the stare. Get pissed why people haven't yet started working.
4:00 PM: Finally do some work, which involves a lot more staring at the screen.
5:00 PM: Munch again. (Eating is also a source of entertainment and taking breaks in our work culture).
6:00 PM: Prepare to round up your work thinking you will finish it on time and leave (Maybe today!)
7:00 PM: People who come late and started working just some time back want to discuss work with you. Curse them silently.
8:00 PM: Stare at the watch thinking why, like all other days, you are being made to stay back when the work could have easily been finished earlier.
8:30 PM: If you're lucky, you get to make a move.
8: 35 PM: Smell Fresh Air once you manage to move out of the No-Smoking area where your colleagues were taking their routine smoke breaks.
9:30 PM: Reach home feeling dead. Eat.
10:00 PM: Realize that anything that you might have wanted to watch on TV has already gone. Force yourself to settle for something less 'your type'.
11:00 PM: Regret a bit but console yourself with the money you make! Sigh! Say a prayer for a better tomorrow. Doze off!
All Night: Dream of the life that follows.......

What I wish I did:
8:00 AM: Get up. Bed tea.
9:00 AM: Have a nice breakfast watching TV.
9:30 AM: Call your secretary to brief you of your plans for the day.
10:30 AM: Go for work where you know everyone will be on time!!
11:00 AM: Start your work which involves no staring at the screen. Dictate a Thank you note on receiving the "Best Event Planner of the Year".
4:00 PM: Work done. Say bye to everyone on your way to the theater.
5:00 PM: Give an awesome performance on stage for your current play which you wrote, directed and acted in.
6:00 PM: Get great comments from the audience and the critics. Smell the sweet fragrance of Adulation.
7: 00 PM: Go home to your penthouse in a skyscraper. Decide to give a new look to your house. So order new furniture.
8: 00 PM: Get ready for the party at friends place.
10:00 PM: Reach back feeling dead.
11:00 PM: Retire to your king sized bed. Thank god for the wonderful life. Pray tommorow is just the same.
All Night: Sleep tight!! ;)

?!?!?!?!

I have officially come across the most wanna be T-shirt that I've ever seen....

As I was walking to office this morning after a rather disturbing bus ride and coming to the conclusion that classy colours like creme or off white are not meant for poor old souls like me who travel by a bus every freaking morning! So as I start ascending the flight of stairs...there it was..this T-shirt worn by a rather tapori-ish guy which read: "If being sexy is a crime...ARREST ME!" :O

I mean wtf! what is this world getting to.....Voix, I'd give it to you, if only i would have had the sense to take out my phone and click!...maybe he should marry that "barbie for president woman"!! won't they be adorable together...and then maybe, they can both roam around hand in hand wearing Ts that read "If being inspired by Govinda is a crime, Arrest us!"

Happy Holidays!

Ok, I'm flattered. Thanks to Voix and Hoverer. But I'm sorry to have disappointed them. I know as per the awesome culture (you wont get it so stopp brainstorming), holdiays cannot be said to have started unless I start blogging. Cos well, I rarely blog. Reasons? well, firstly cos at times i get struck by guilt thinking how much can i possibly bug people with senseless useless talks. ha ha! Did you guys buy that? Of course not! I dont care if you're bored. Dont read it then! :P
so now for the main reason..in college i seldom get time (being a nerd has its own disadvantages)..thus the outburst of words and emotions during the holidays. then whats been going wrong for past two vacations! sigh! dont remind me..i barely get access to the internet when I'm interning. Boredom of course is just the same, the difference is just of resources.
Similar problem this time. I'm in Delhi again (thud!).....interning? yes...Lots of work? no.... Bored? YES! ....wanting to blog? Yes.... Round the clock internet access? No.... Internet in the office? Yes.... Easy to grab a comp? No.....So that explains. But today i realized (which was very strongly reiterated by Voix) that if i can write mails to my friends, I'm sure I can smuggle some time to blog! and so here i am!

Now what should I write about..there are many things on my mind which I WILL of course be writing about in the course of time. But which one first?..hmm...k I know! the Zuzus!!!!!

Aren't they the cutest! except for when they are making those annoying noices! but they're just perfect. I've come to the conclusion. If i ever get a pet in an alternate universe where anything's possible, I'll get a Zuzu as a pet. can u imagine having that white thing running around. i mean its white and its bald!! he he....espeacially that add in which those two zuzu kids run away terrified of their mom or whoever is that with the face pack on. You know the add about the free beauty tips! those zuz kids are out of this world (figuratively i mean!)...

now for the part as to why zuzus as pets. Those who know me well know my feelings towards children. So this is how it went:

Me: "That does it! i want zuzus as my kids"
Voix: "You mad or what! they'll be the most irritating things when they grow up"
Me: "What are you talking about? They're adorable"
Voix:"Maybe as kids...but imagine grown up zuzus..they're not cute and on top of that they cant talk..they just make those NOICES"
K: "Shes right you know"
Voix: "How do you plan to have them anyway"
(I cant describe the process here, its a oublic forum..lets just say it involves me and a Zuzu woman!)
Voix: "Great! so much for a sensible family"
Me: "Fine! i want kids who will be Zuzus when they are kids and grow up to be humans!"
Voix and K (together): "Sigh!! We give up!"

Relections anyone?!

Get(ting) Smart....

July 2006: You come to college happily and are bold enough to take a room right on the fourth floor (in case someone is missing the point, we are in India, that too Jodhpur, lifts haven't been invented for the city yet). You think it'll always be breezy and nice and you'd be able to see the sun rise every morning over the endless stretch of what I can at best call..umm..earth (sand sounds too bland). Not to forget that corner of our brains which somehow always makes us feel that if we are buying a house with a nice balcony, we'll sit there every morning to sip a cup of tea while the birds chirp their way back to their nests (The next thing you know is we are moving out and you can't really remember the last time or for that matter, ANY time when you sat there and sipped that supposed cup of tea). So well, optimism fills your heart with hopes of soft mornings and soothing evenings which you will spend by yourself in your balcony. Now it is important to mention here that these hopes are of course "to scale". I mean while with a normal balcony you'd imagine sitting down with your legs spread wide and occasional stretches, here the hopes could not further than being able to stand in the balcony without moving a muscle if you wanna save yourself from falling off considering the unbelievable size of the balcony (I'm bad with numbers so just imagine space not more than just enough to place two coolers). But still, whatever the size, you have hopes.

Three mornings later : You have exhausted all possible abuses you know, that can even remotely apply to birds (Go figure). Your earlier bird-loving self, who looked down upon bird hunters with rejection and disgust, is now reconsidering itself and is wondering which would be the best weapon to destroy the entire pigeon species in a single blow. (Reason you ask?) Well, nothing more than the fact that in your lovely balcony there are more pigeons than air molecules, and your good old alarm clock never gets an opportunity to wake you up considering that you could never sleep thanks to some serious bird porno going on (talk about being violent).

One week after that: You detest pigeons more than anything you've ever disliked. You come to the conclusion that all that you were taught in science in school was bullshit about how all creatures apart from humans and dolphins have a specific mating season and produce babies ONLY DURING THAT SEASON (I think the people who came to that conclusion never saw the pigeons of Jodhpur, because boy they can go on and on and on at it. I think the next big thing in science should be erectile dysfunction cure using biotechnology based on pigeon genes.. Forget Viagra!) So now, not only is your balcony absolutely infested with pigeons, but it also has numerous lil birdy homes!

Two weeks after that: Its the rainy season (You know what it means, lots of water in the balcony).Your nose has evolved into believing that rotten eggs smell good thanks to the constant pooping needs of the pigeons, which when mixed with water gives a smell which umm kinda gives you a high!

You have reached the abyss of your disgust!!

Some time after that: You can't get over the fact that your college life is flying by and so far the only ones who've sipped anything in your balcony while enjoying a soothing moment are the pigeons. You go about doing a survey as to what all are the possible remedies to make your balcony pigeon free. You get hopeful after seeing the nice mesh put up by the rich guy in the other hostel, only to find that it'll cost you nothing less than your entire month's expenses.

So you give up..you succumb to your fate and try to establish a cordial relation with the pigeons.

An year and a half after that: You realise that there is a war going on in your balcony. Pigeons and sparrows have declared an open war on each other and BOTH of them have their establishments in your balcony. You start missing the sounds of pigeon love making which were so much lower than the sounds of birds killing each other.

Some time after that: You finally decide that you can't take it anymore and something must be done. You turn to your very own magician who always has a solution for everything (Dad). You laugh at yourself to see that he came up with a cheap solution in not more than one day and you curse the entire genetic combination theory for the fact that you are clearly not an inheritor of his intelligence. So you come back to college, do a little market dash and buy a funky mesh which cost you nothing more than your two days food expenses. You gloat in adulation. Once the mesh is fixed, you finally get to see what your balcony actually looks like (hmm..I expected better but oh well!). People keep coming to your room and you are happily convinced that if ever there were an award for the best idea that'd go to you (what's my dad's is mine :P). Lots of people copy your idea and you realise what it feels to be on the seventh heaven.

All is going well till you go for a moot to Europe leaving your balcony totally unattended for 2-3 weeks. Only to come back and find that the mesh is doing a perfect job in keeping THINGS bigger in size than the mesh pores outside. But as you once again look around with a feeling of sheer genius over the idea, you see something which was never there in your balcony before. Aghast! you quickly lock the balcony swearing never to open it again by yourself. You share the dreadful sight with your floor-mate who nicely comes to the conclusion that this is what happens when you tamper with nature and act smart. He seems more happy with his decision of not putting a mesh than ever before.

The Present Day: March 2009: You of course are not regretting your decision to put the mesh. It still is the best thing that has happened to your balcony. You can't possibly forget the nights which you have slept peacefully without any disturbance thanks to the mesh. But one thing fails to escape your mind: What do I do of this freaking Bee Hive!